I’ve been running in races of varying distances since 1999 which I’ve decided, makes me an expert on how to put on a good race. Based on some entertaining musings during yesterday’s race, here’s how things would go in “Keli’s Super Awesome Best Marathon Ever”.
Lots of them. Big hills, little hills and rolling hills.
Triple the number at the starting line – yes. Triple.
Double the number at every stop for the first half of every race over 6 miles. A standard potty stop at the first 1-2 miles of any race will take 7-10 minutes. If you skip the first stop and hope for a shorter line at the next stop you will increase that wait time to 15 minutes. And trust me when I tell you that there are more potties at the beginning of the race than there are further along so if you wait, you do so at your own peril. If you Google it, I bet I’m right.
Ditch the Keys – Ditch the Coins
If you were running in “Keli’s Super Awesome Best Marathon Ever” you would have to leave your 3 pound keychain and/or spare change in the car or I’d personally kick you off the course. You need your house key or car key and maybe a buck or two (paper please) when you run. I doubt you’ll need your office, post office box, parent’s house or neighbors house key on a marathon and I will bet you dollars to donuts you are not going to find a Coinstar along the route.
Move to the Right
I love that there are people of every shape, size, running or walking ability involved in races. Everyone should feel good about getting out there and challenging themselves.
To help nurture the good feelings between our speedy and slower brethren please observe the following rules as you run in my “Super Awesome Best Marathon Ever”. Yes, it’s kind of like if you were driving a car.
- The far left side is for passing.
- The middle and left of middle is for running at a steady clip
- The right side is for walkers or slower runners
The right side ( like on a freeway) is for people with a pulled muscle or who otherwise need to get out of the flow of traffic. Stopping suddenly or slowing down should NOT be done in the left or middle of the road.
Remember the Rear
Far be it for me to enforce a dress code so we’ll list these under suggestions. Shorts and skirts ride up. If you always run in your Lululemon shorty short mcshorts that’s great but please note that if you are running with a fuel belt, it will cause your shorts to ride up. In fact, even if you’re not wearing a fuel belt or water bottle around your waist those teensy shorts take a trip up North. And no matter how toned and cute your tush is, no one wants to see your butt cheeks waggling at us. Totally awk.
In my “Super Awesome Best Marathon Ever” it goes without saying that it will be in a lovely location with spectacular views. I will designate “photo opp” spots along the course for your enjoyment so you don’t stop dead in the race to get a picture. That’s simply annoying to others.
I text and use my phone often and have probably annoyed many people. But I don’t text while running a marathon (luv u Barb) nor do I answer my cell phone. I guess if you want to quibble I could tell you that fine, text away, but please move over to the right.
Be Loud and Proud
My “Super Awesome Best Marathon Ever” will be loud and proud. Running a marathon is a very solitary and sometimes boring endeavor and trust me when I tell you that we need to be entertained. Often. I’m saying yes to music of any kind, cheerleaders, dance parties, 5 year olds giving “high-fives” and telling you how awesome you are. We’ll have the course lined with people who’s sole job is to clap. There will be clowns getting in and out of tiny cars, magicians and lots of cowbells. But not those soccer horn things – those suck.
Ok yes. But only because even with the above entertainment, some people are sticklers for their own music. Whatevs. But I promise that there will be designated “chatters” thrown in the course. These people will respond when you talk or comment on something crazy going on. They’ll reply back about the weather and of course they will laugh at your stupid, marathon-mush-brain, inane jokes.
I am a firm believer that if you are giving away a shirt as part of your “entry fee” than that shirt should a) be cute and b) be of normal people size. Of course this will be rectified in my race. I know some races are contemplating getting rid of the medals but I’m all for a large circle of bling – it’s hard earned.
Well there you have it. “Keli’s Super Awesome Best Marathon Ever” is going to change the face of marathons. I’ll just sit here waiting for the dozens of requests I’m sure will be coming from race organizers across the country.
I’m here and ready to help!
Now go run!